In Choosing a Marriage Partner, What Standards Should Christians Have?

August 13, 2018

Dear brothers and sisters of Spiritual Q&A:

Now, I’m old enough to find a partner. My parents are anxious about my marriage, and my relatives and friends also often ask me about this, which makes me feel under much pressure. When it comes to looking for a spouse, my unbelieving friends all want to choose those who are “tall, rich and handsome” or “fair-skinned, rich and beautiful,” yet I have no idea what kind of people we Christians should choose. Looking forward to your reply.

Sincerely yours,



August 20, 2018

Sister Xiangzhi:

Marriage is a great matter in our life, so it’s good that you can think it over. As Christians, we should seek the truth to understand God’s will on this matter and then act in accordance with the related principles. In this way we will find the suitable spouse and thus gain God’s blessings. Next, I’d like to share my experience with you.

In the past, I also wanted to find one who was handsome with excellent family circumstances as my spouse. Therefore, when I met a boy who conformed to these standards, I started to date him. But, next, things happened that I never thought would. He, an unbeliever, was unrestrainedly dissolute in doing things. In particular, he had unclear boundaries with other girls. So I couldn’t feel the least bit secure while being with him. Besides, when he needed my help in his career, he would always flatter me by my side, yet when he gained a firm foothold in our company, he would no longer pay attention to me. Especially when I was sad and disappointed and needed comfort, he not only didn’t care about me but complained that I was too troublesome. So while getting along with him, what I felt most was his indifference instead of his care and consideration. Afterward, on his Q zone, I found out that he had already been dating another girl before me, and after then he dumped me heartlessly. That blow made me suffer great pain.

At a church gathering, I told my experience to my sister. Then she fellowshiped to me, “As Christians, regardless what matter we deal with, including marriage, we should seek God’s will rather than rely on our own preferences. Thus, when we choose our own marriage partner, we should entrust this thing to God’s hands. Besides, we should ask God whether the one we want to choose is suitable for us because only God looks within the depths of people’s hearts and sees right through people, and the partner that He arranges for us is surely the most suitable. Another point we should consider is whether our partners are like-minded with us. If there is no common language on both sides, can such people be happy? Just as the Bible says, ‘Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers’ (2 Corinthians 6:14). And a passage of the man’s fellowship says, ‘It’s normal to get married after growing up, but one should choose a suitable partner. At the very least, it should be someone who is beneficial for someone’s faith and life—this is very important. People’s choices determine their path and their final destination. What is key is whether someone can select their own path based on God’s requirements.’ These words clearly show us the way of practice: While looking for our own partner, we shouldn’t solely stress his looks or family circumstances. Most important is to choose the one who shares a common language with us, has good humanity and is beneficial for our faith. This way, both sides can understand, forbear and forgive each other. Also, it’s advantageous to our pursuit of truth and life growth. However, if we choose a partner based on our own preferences, though he is tall and handsome and his family is well off, he is a gluttonous and lazy playboy with bad humanity and neglects the family. We have no common language with such a person. So, living with him can bring us nothing but harm and pain. What’s worse, if he prevents us from believing in God, it’ll even ruin our lives, so that we’ll lose the chance to be saved.” Through that fellowship, I understood: As a Christian, when looking for a partner, most importantly, I should see whether he had good humanity and was beneficial for my faith. I also needed to consider whether we were like-minded and shared the same goal of pursuit.

Before long, my aunt introduced a boy who was a doctor to me, and said his family was well off and that his parents were both teachers. Then she showed me his picture, which told me his handsome looks. At first glance, I knew he was my type. Soon, Sister Zhang introduced her nephew Zhang Xun to me, with whom I had been acquainted. He was a repairman with average looks, and his parents were both ordinary workers—all these conditions couldn’t be compared with those of the doctor. But it was worth mentioning that Zhang Xun was a devout Christian. He truly believed in God and we were like-minded. Take a look at the doctor. He was an unbeliever. And if I married him, he might oppose my belief in God. Sharing no common language with each other would directly affect our feelings, to the point that we would part ways, just like my former boyfriend and I. However, taking my fleshly interests into consideration, I’d better choose the doctor. Just like that, I was at a loss how to choose.

At that time, I could only pray to God. After praying, I saw the following passage of fellowship, “When looking for a partner, some people completely rely on their fleshly preferences rather than the truth, only choosing the one who conforms to their desires. Are such people obedient to God? God requires us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. If you are asked to act in accordance with this requirement, could you choose a believer as your partner? When dating a believer, some people say, ‘This person, not having good looks or status, isn’t my ideal partner. I don’t want. I’d rather choose a devil who has good looks and status but has no faith.’ If you do so, are you obedient to God?”

After reading this fellowship, I quieted my heart to seek God’s intentions. I thought: There were two boys for me to choose from. If simply judging by their outward appearance and family background, I preferred the doctor. But in that way I was following the unbelievers’ viewpoint and was based on my fleshly preferences. In addition, he didn’t believe in God, and it was indeed disadvantageous to my belief and pursuit of truth. As for Zhang Xun, although his family circumstances were not so good, he believed in God, pursued the truth, and moreover he had good humanity and love toward his families and the brothers and sisters. Also, he actively performed his duty at church. If I chose him, we could walk the same path and serve the Lord together in the future. That was good. Take a look at my conditions. I was born into an ordinary family, my parents were both ordinary workers, and I didn’t have a high diploma. All these conditions were far worse than those of the doctor. So, if I married him, our marriage would be not of equal rank. And I would feel inferior and distressed, and he might avoid me. Thinking of this, I told my thoughts to God and prayed that I was willing to forsake my fleshly preferences and act in accordance with God’s requirements. After my prayer, I felt peaceful and steady.

Afterward, I resolutely decided not to date the doctor and started to date Zhang Xun. In our interactions, I found that his view of things was completely different from that of unbelievers and he didn’t focus on pursuing life’s pleasures. In his opinion, pursuing that things was meaningless and believers should pursue the truth and strive to understand God’s will and to please God. Every time we met, he would lead me to read God’s words and sing hymns to praise God together. Especially, he emphasized: Our feelings should be established on the foundation of God’s words. We should love each other according to God’s words. As long as what one said was correct and accorded with the truth, the other should obey and accept it, thus the truth can be our master. Moreover, when I revealed arrogance and self-conceit, he would communicate with me and ask me to emulate Christ’s humility and loveliness; when I was passive and weak, he would use God’s words to comfort and encourage me. After getting along with him for a period time, I found that he was of great help to me. In the past, I didn’t pay attention to seeking God’s words. Yet, now, when encountering things, I would focus on seeking God’s will and thirst for God’s words, thus becoming more confident to pursue the truth. Gradually, we two became confidants. When things happened to us, we would seek the truth to resolve them. In my heart, I felt that only by finding a partner according to God’s requirements could I gain true happiness.

Subsequently, while visiting my home, my aunt said to me, “It’s lucky that you didn’t choose the doctor. He has been spoilt by his parents. Now, he spends all day drinking, whoring and gambling, and even has abandoned his job, which makes his parents very angry.” Hearing these words, I thanked God in my heart. On the matter of finding a partner, if I had given in to vanity instead of having acted in accordance with God’s requirements, I would live in suffering now. After these experiences, I truly realized: while looking for a partner, we shouldn’t stress his appearance and family background. The most important is to choose the one who shares a common language and the same goal of pursuit with us. Only in this way can our married life be happy.

Sister Xiangzhi, all the above is my experience and knowledge. I hope it’ll be beneficial to you. As long as we act in accordance with God’s demands, we’ll gain God’s protection and blessings. May God bless you!

Sincerely yours,

Pingfan of Spiritual Q&A

Maybe you also like to read: Love Arranged by God Is Truly Perfect

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